


please don't lay down your life

by bitchballs_mcgee



Category: Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Absolute Pain, Angst, Cutting, Depressing, Depression, No Smut, Oh so very depressing, Other, Scars, Self-Harm, Sorry kiddos, Suicidal Thoughts, a whole lot of fucking angst, if you compare this to 13rw i WILL break your kneecaps, obvious trigger warning, pain pain pAIIIIIN, someone save ishimaru he deserves the world, that show is actual dogshit, that's all this story is, this is why we can't have nice things: the fanfiction, will probably have a bittersweet ending at best
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-03 16:50:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17881562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitchballs_mcgee/pseuds/bitchballs_mcgee
Summary: Ishimaru Kiyotaka was always at the top of the class. A role model for the perfect student, someone who always did his work on time and didn't put anything off. Even then, he had bright spirits and tried to help his peers the best he could, even if he didn't understand them. You knew he was trying to be kind. You knew that he was focused on having others following rules because he cares.So it was particularly upsetting to find him outside of class, collapsed on the floor in tears, in a hysterical, sobbing mess.





	please don't lay down your life

The sunlight reflected out of the window onto the empty desk in front of you in the mornings, as always. You sat at the back of the room, as always. You listened to your teacher give a brief run-down of the assignment, as always. He then would hand you the assignments, as always. You'd struggle with a problem. As always. And of course, you'd go to Ishimaru for help, like always. Two desks away, like always.

He was nice to you, like always. He'd show you where you slipped up. English was a bit of a struggle for you sometimes. He'd say, "See, [Name]-kun, you wrote that this is a complex sentence--" and tell you that, like always, it's compound-complex, because there's two complex sentences separated with a semicolon.

"Does that make sense, now, [Name]-kun?" He'd ask, adding '-kun' to the end of your name like everyone else's names regardless of gender, like always. You would nod, and say, "Thanks, again," and he'd say, "Of course," and smile at you, like always. It seems you were...friends? Well, you didn't talk too much with him. However, he regards you in a friendly manner, like always, and when you'd pass by in the hallway and make eye contact, you'd say hello.

Like always.

 

Today was different, and your stomach churned at the feeling.

The light reflected off the desk in front of you. You were at the back of the room. The teacher was giving a brief run-down of the assignment, and he handed you the papers afterwards. You struggled with a question again. 

But you looked two desks ahead, and saw no Ishimaru.

No matter what, he never missed a day of class. He even came in once with a cough that made his voice hoarse, but he never missed a day.

But you felt your stomach coil with worry. You weren't friends, really. But you liked him, he was always nice to you and tried his best to help you, and you really couldn't help but worry. He could be considered a tight-ass to others, but he enforced rules like that because he cared for his peers.

 

The worst thoughts ran through your mind as you stared nervously at the clock. Class is about halfway over, and time is slugging onward. You just want to leave and ask one of your friends if they knew what the hell was going on. Did he die? Did he suddenly commit suicide? Did he come down with something so bad he couldn't come today? Random thoughts of varying unlikeliness race through your brain as you try to piece together why such a diligent, dedicated honor-roll student would suddenly disappear without so much as a word.

You think, oh, maybe he really is just sick. But something in the air just feels wrong. Even if he came down with a stomach bug, he'd stay strong just to get his work done. Why, all of a sudden, would he just be gone? Did he maybe have a schedule change? That might explain why you didn't see him walking in the hallways earlier either.

As you continue to think on it for a while, you realize everyone's packing up. You do the same, waiting impatiently and tapping your foot. The moment the bell goes off, you head out.

 

You were planning to go to second period, like always, and just ask your friend if they've seen Ishimaru, when something caught your eye. Something no one else seemed to come across or notice.

Someone's curled into a ball in the middle of the hallway, hands covering his face. And you've seen that armband before--

 

Ishimaru?

No, it can't be---

You slowly approach the figure, realizing it's indeed him. Confusion fills you. You're so puzzled as you begin to hear soft little...sob-like noises from him. Tiny soft little sobs and sniffles can be heard. He's crying, my god, he's crying, and no one is paying attention to him. No one seems to care.

You gently tap his shoulder. "Ishimaru?"

He jumps a bit, but removes his hands from his face. His red eyes, once filled with determination and vigor, are softened and bloodshot. His face is a mess of tear streaks. You almost want to choke up seeing him in this state. 

"H-Hey, what's wrong?"

He glances away. "I-I- [Name]-kun--" his voice is strained and it sounds like he's about to burst into tears again. 

"What's wrong? Are you hurt? Did you get hit?"  
"No, I am sorry, I shouldn't be-"  
"Please, just tell me what's wrong." You say it a bit too sternly, which makes him flinch. "S-Sorry."

"It- is fine."  
"What's wrong?"  
"I-It's too selfish of me to say, please, just-"  
"No." Your voice remains stiff. "If you're crying, especially this badly, it's got to be something noteworthy."

 

He buries his face into his palms. Shakily, you hear a soft sentence from his lips.

"I...feel like I want...to..." the final word is unheard by you. You only worry further.  
"Y- ...You want to what?"

He hiccups, not making eye contact like he usually would. Instead, all he can choke out is--

 

"I...feel like I want to die."

 

You go into a state of shock upon hearing those words come from Ishimaru, of all people. He never seemed suicidal at first, but the more it runs through your head, the more it began to make sense. You always heard that the most suicidal people wore the biggest smiles, because the bigger the smile, the easier it is to cover up the pain. 

With a slight moment of hesitation, and without really thinking it through, you wrap your arms around him, a squeak coming from him as you do.

"I'm so sorry."  
You whisper it gently into his ear. Moments later, you feel something hot against your shoulder. You hear Ishimaru's tiny sobs as he cries into your shoulder, his tears seeping through the cloth of your shirt. You begin to gently rub his back as well.

"It's okay to cry. There's no need to be ashamed."

With that, he sobs only harder, and you almost tear up yourself listening to it. You can feel the agony in his voice, the strained pain in his cries. He almost refuses to make eye contact, but you take your finger and thumb, lifting his chin.

"Ishimaru, please look at me."

His face is, again, streaked with tears. His eyes are even redder than before, and are a bit puffy. You just want to scream. It isn't fair that he has to suffer like this and you have no say against it because everyone only sees Ishimaru in classrooms, everyone else sees him as an uptight hall monitor who just yells a lot. But no one else realizes that Ishimaru is human and that he has feelings too, and it angers you beyond no point of return. 

"I'm here for you."

Protectively, you hold him close, and he cries harder. It makes your heart ache too. 

"Wh-...why?"  
"Why what?"  
"Wh-Why do you care so much for me, [Name]-kun? I- I've merely been whining at you like thi--"  
"No, it's not whining. Being suicidal shouldn't be considered whining."  
"I- I shouldn't feel this way. I need to focus on--"  
"I-Ishimaru, please. Your health is so much more important than grades."  
"But, [Name]-kun--"  
"Shh. I know, I know. They're important too, but you won't be able to focus if you just want to die, will you?"  
"I shouldn't be here, we need to get to class, we're worrying teachers. I've--"

He pauses for a moment, curling up into a ball. "I--I am a disgrace," he says in a strained, high-pitched voice. "I've skipped class. I'm a disgrace, please, [Name]! Hit me! I deserve it!"  
"Shh. Relax. You'll be alright. I'm not going to hit you, that's not gonna help. It's not your fault, I promise."

You hear footsteps getting closer. It's your homeroom teacher.

"Where were you two earlier?"

You almost don't know how to explain, but suddenly you find the words. "I-I was helping him, he's having a horrible- like, m-mental- breakdown, and, uh-"

"...alright. Head to the nurse's office, then."  
You nod and get up with the taller male, taking his hand. 

He looks so guilty, so miserable, that you almost want to cry too.

 

You rest next to Ishimaru on the cot, holding him close to you. His breath is shaky, but he isn't crying as hard now.

"Do you feel better?" You ask, gently.  
"A bit...yes, I-I do."  
"That's good, that's good."  
"You- You're so kind, [Name]-kun."  
"I try to be." You give a half-assed smile.  
"But...you really are kind to come and approach me."  
You smile a bit. "Thanks."  
He hugs you again. "Thank you. I was scared no one cared I existed..."  
"Of course we care you exist. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and find flowers on your desk."*  
"I fear I'll wake up to that."

You smile a bit, through it's a bitter one. "You won't have to, c- c'mon."  
He gives a soft, sad look and glances away. "It seems no one else cares but you."

You want to scream until your voice is hoarse. It's disgusting that everyone else can sit there and be perfectly fine with judging others on face value, not realizing one of their classmates could possibly just kill himself one day, and because no one reached out or bothered to look for the signs, they'd all claim they never saw it coming.  
You hate it, because no one would actually care besides his family, and the rest of the students will all just wake up every day, selfishly after that the same way as before. The fact people shunned him for being himself and then would only want to pity him after he killed himself makes you want to just go up to said people and punch them in their lips.

But you manage to control yourself, take a deep breath, and wipe the tears off of Ishimaru's face. "God, I'm sorry people can be so disgustingly selfish."

"What...?"  
"They all just walked straight past you as you were crying. No one thought to reach out, and it was disgustingly selfish."  
"I-...I understand why they wouldn't think to."  
"No, Ishimaru, please...don't think that way."  
"I- I apologize!"  
"Shh, hey. It's gonna be okay. I promise."  
He sniffles. "I wish I didn't feel like committing suicide." He tugs at his sleeve, and you notice something.

"Ishi, is there something under your sleeves?"  
"Oh, n-no, I'm alright."

What was with that strange response? Panic rushes through your body. No, please don't be what I think it is. 

"Please don't lie, please." 

He gives a nervous glace. "I-I- I'm okay-"  
"You're not-"

He suddenly tears up again. "I-I apologize. I shouldn't hide it from you, after all, you've- you've cared for me this much...I'm very sorry, [Name]-kun..."  
Your stomach coils in on itself as Ishimaru pulls back his sleeve. It's what you thought. Thin little scars are all over his arm. You want to cry again the moment you see it, and you know Ishimaru does too.

"God, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked."  
He shakes his head. "No, [Name]-kun, I shouldn't have tried to conceal it. I- I know, that I need to stop doing such a thing to myself..."

Those words sting the moment you hear them. "God, Ishimaru. I'm so sorry. Wh- What's--" you're about to ask him what makes him feel this way, but even then you're scared it's too personal.

"Please, go ahead and ask..." he whimpers out. "I need to refrain from bottling my emotions from everyone..."  
"What if I ask you something too personal?"  
"I- It will only help, [Name]..."  
"Promise?"  
"O-Of course."  
"Then -- do you know why you're suicidal? Did something cause it?"

He tears up even more. "No. I don't understand why."  
"Is it- is it biological?"  
"I believe so."  
"I...I guess that explains it.."  
"I do not understand, though--...unlike most suicidal people, I typically feel motivated to do schoolwork, a-and..."  
"Well, not all depressed people have the same - uhm - what's the word I'm looking for...oh, yeah! Not all people who have depression are generally, like, unmotivated n' stuff. They just feel suicidal because of the chemical imbalance. Right?"  
He nods gently. "I believe that's correct..."  
"Hey, I-Ishi? Are you, like, taking any antidepressants or anything like that?"  
He shakes his head. "I-I'm afraid we won't be able to afford them..."  
"Oh- I see...sorry."  
"It is okay, [Name]-kun..."  
"You should talk to a therapist or something, though. Well--therapists are expensive, I guess. Maybe the school counselor?"  
"Perhaps...what if- what if she thinks I'm lying? Or doing it to gain attention? Or---!"  
"If you're so suicidal that you're cutting, I think the school would be concerned. Right?"  
He nods, tears brimming his eyes again.

You hug him again.

"I want you to get better. Seeing you like this is painful. I don't want you to die, okay?"  
"I-I just...I'm scared that I won't be able to find a reason to live again."  
"Ishi, hey. I-If you can't do it for yourself, you can- augh, no, no, that sounds gross and selfish, forget it."  
"No, please, t-tell me!"

"Alright. Can you do it for me? Hell, I consider you like a friend, y'know? I'll be here for you, okay?"  
"You...really will?"  
"Yeah, of course. Just..." you start to trail off.  
"What is it, [Name]-kun? Please, tell me. I want to hear what you have to say."

"...Please, don't lay down your life."

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> * In Japan, there's a tradition where when a student dies, other students will place flowers on the deceased's desk. However, when Ishimaru mentions he fears he'll wake up to that, it refers to the fact that when a student is still alive and has flowers placed on his or her desk, it's the equivalent of saying "kill yourself".  
> Kids are fucking mean, man.
> 
> Aside from that brief note, I hope you enjoyed this first chapter! This was an experiment and something outside the norm of what I typically write. After a four year battle with depression, I've finally recognized I was depressed and am slowly still getting the help I need. The battle I faced and the pain I experienced then inspired me to write this story, and also part of a dream I had with a similar concept to this. Why did I choose Ishimaru, you ask? Well because in certain aspects I really closely relate to him, and plus he was in that dream, so I can project the feelings best into someone I relate to. Hopefully I've written him in character well enough, because a lot of Ishimaru x Reader stories on this site butcher his character so painfully and I wanted to at least try and paint a more accurate side to his character here. 
> 
> Any criticisms on how to improve would be greatly appreciated! I haven't written a story in so long, especially not one with over 2000+ words in one chapter alone. But anyhow, thank you for reading, and please let me know in the comments what you think of the story. Anyway, I'm Jim, and I'll see you all later.


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